In the absence of rose petals.

Maybe I didn't fully explain myself. Maybe it would have been a good idea to start from the beginning of this.   How I started feeling this thing for you- it wasn't a crush, but a like. I mean we've been friends for years and years but this wasn't friendship. It was more than that. But not a crush.

But who would have guessed that it would turn into one? And I decided to just embrace it because it was nice. I hadn't cared much about anyone in little while and this feeling that was stirring was just so comfortable. I was happy to care about someone again. It didn't matter that you didn't know and that you didn't care back. Just to have this feeling back was enough.

I started telling a few people, you know, in conversation, when you were brought up. How cute! You would be such a perfect couple. I can totally see it.

I mean, I knew it was never going to happen. You're straight and I'm just too respectful.

But then first semester turns to second and second semester turns to summer and I still have this crush. The night I planned to tell you; I told your ex-girlfriend instead. (She was very supportive in case you were wondering.) I decided I wasn't going to tell you. It was such a perfect christening of the summer. I wasn't going to alter that. And I didn't regret not telling you then.

And then Senior Year came along and I started just... not caring. Not caring what anybody thought anymore, not caring about the people around me that didn't matter. High school is transitory after all. And I still had this thing and it was growing and growing and I just wanted it to stop. I wasn't complacent anymore with just liking you. I was through with letting you control me; and you didn't even know you were. I'd plan my outfits around the days I see you most. Censor my Tweets because I didn't want you to think I was crass. I even made flossing about you- how I wanted my teeth to be perfect for you. How I love that slight chip in your front tooth that you might not even know is actually there.

And I just decided to tell you. It wasn't actually a long, thoughtful, reflective process. I just got home from school and said to myself I'm done; I don't care. I need to tell him so I can fucking get rid of him. Of his priority. If he liked me back, which was doubtful but hopeful, then fantastic! And if not then whatever. Then I can move on. If it ruins our friendship, if there's this irreparable awkwardness, then so be it.

So thank you for politely declining. You gave me the chance to quit you. To forget about all of this and dress for myself and think for myself and floss for myself.

And for God's sake, I don't know why, but it hasn't gone away.